Why Do We Try So Hard To Be Effortless?
WTF is Je Ne Sais Quoi 👀
On June 17th we will celebrate one year of hitting publish on The Art of Self. I’m hosting an online hangout (plus something in NYC) details found at the end of this letter.
I’ve probably talked ad nauseam to my inner circle about my first trip to Paris. You know, the one where I saved a man’s life on the flight ? Crazy. BTW all Delta gave me for my efforts was a $100 voucher & a bottle of champagne the flight attendant scooped from first class. How about status??? Or Lounge for Life!?!
Needless to say my first international solo flight was memorable - I had no time to be nervous thanks to the rapid response in aisle three. To my surprise, the 27,000ft code in mid-air would be the springboard to me kind of getting my groove back the next few days.
I found inspiration again (probably cause I wasn’t looking) and I felt like the ideas that had been living in my head for so long were maybe somewhat possible to pull off. Paris was like opening a window and letting in some new air.
Before I got there, I didn’t romanticize the city like a lot of people do. I didn’t have time for it, your girl was rawdoggin’ reality - we were hot off the pandemic, I was burnt out from being a nurse, trying to build a business…who had time for “research”?!? Plus I was in the middle of moving through some serious shit in therapy. I couldn’t spend bandwidth on figuring out the best time to view the Eiffel Tower. By the way it’s amazing anytime you see it.
But enough about me -
Did you know so many people fall in love with the idea of Paris and the Parisian lifestyle without ever stepping foot there? and then visit and get wildly disappointed? It’s called Japan Paris Syndrome. This phenomenon is so intense (and common) that there’s even a support hotline for tourists from Japan who get depressed and feel isolated when they arrive. The letdown of realizing it’s just another city with its flaws, bad smells, and rude people.
The croissants tho? unmatched.
Talk about romanticizing something and creating a narrative. For me, Paris wasn’t some “life-changing” experience, or was it?
It was not the kind of change you see immediately, but the kind that settles in slowly. The kind that builds and shifts your perspective on your approach - things like slowing down, on wanting more refinement, on listening to yourself more. I left Paris with one key lesson: quality over quantity. And it stuck. A year after that trip, I purged a lot of what I was holding onto - physically, creatively, and emotionally.
Paris made me present. Paris also whispered in my ear “Donna, quit dissociating and pay attention”
I wasn’t rushed. The wheels in my head were spinning, but they weren’t in hyperdrive. There were hours I didn’t touch my phone. I didn’t feel the need to rush, which also felt weird. I wasn’t hopping to the next destination or location - mostly because I had no idea where we were going next. I didn’t make a checklist of everything I had to see. Or look up places prior. I didn’t know what the cafe would look like before I got there. Or the must have on the menu. I wasn’t going at it through other people’s eyes, or posts. I was there. And for the first time since social media became a ‘lil addiction of mine and the lens I saw the world through. I felt like I was truly living in the moment.
Soaking in the vibe of Paris, not just being a tourist. Or documenting it.
I had no plan. No itinerary. No appointments. No emails. I met great people. 11 days have never felt more like 11 weeks.
I came home and made a vlog—not for YouTube and analytics. but for me. Such a foreign concept in the age of the content calendar. But that trip was magic. I didn’t want to come back to reality and I didn’t want to forget it.
And the women. The rumors were true. There was something about the women - I got to experience that Je Ne Sais Quoi I had read & heard about first hand. Paris had me hooked.
I know, I know, I sound like a talking Pinterest board. But trust me, it’s real. I experienced it, and my little inquisitive ears perked up like a pup hearing the treat bag get ripped open from the other room. I was so lit up again. for life. everything was inspiring. Everything. I admired the art of the masters, the bakers who made my morning croissant, the attention to details. Nothing gets me more high than details. Personal touches. The little things no one else notices are my party drugs. Random boutiques, the hand lettering, the layouts, the tiles, the woodwork. I got so hyper fixated on a random store that I spent the entire plane ride home googling every interview I could find about the owner. I bought a book he wrote while “I was supposed to be checking out” - and to my surprise two years later that exact store would go viral on Tik Tok and become a thing. Good for them, bad for me - I’m never getting in there without waiting in line again.
I was paying attention. I was not autopiloting.
And it felt good cause I was ready to learn. About the skincare from Vinida Savant (holistic facialist and skin guru. One of the last to mentor under Madame Josette Allouche of Biologique Recherche), Artists, Comedians, Yogis, Pharmacists, Shop Keepers, A Nose, Chocolatiers, Bartenders. The women I was meeting in Paris were so gracious and eager to teach me. I took in everything I could about fragrance and perfume and the importance of finding your signature scent. Your signature everything.
Whether I was at a café, the park, or a random shop. They weren’t models or influencers. I mean, They could be. They weren’t chasing trends or living a lifestyle designed for likes. As a matter of fact, most of the women I got connected to didn’t have instagram - they didn’t need the likes. “I’m already overbooked from word of mouth, the right people find me... how did you find me?” A facialist asked.
“From a friend.” I replied realizing her point.
These women were in such a flow state, they knew who they were, they had an essence that just was. They exuded confidence without trying, radiated self-trust, and walked through the world with this quiet elegance that was palpable.
Was this THE Je ne sais quoi?
I finally understood it.
Trusting yourself so deeply that the world will meet you where you’re at, you don’t have to chase it.
*** fast forward
2 years later almost to the date - I needed an escape, I needed a “peace out”, it was after my miscarriage - I needed a change of scenery and a bit of let’s try to forget about all of this. Some fantasy land.
Flights were cheap. The universe was meeting me where I was. Or that’s how I justified it to myself.
I got lost in Paris for 4 days (literally and figuratively). phone on do not disturb. no international plan needed. in the moment again. me and my lover [the city] + my husband. we celebrated our anniversary. we walked aimlessly. we drank too much champagne. we put it behind us. and I got inspired again.
Life loves to do that to me - my reckonings usually become my catalyst for sort of growth leap and personal resurrection.
I finished the first entry for this substack on the train back to London. I decided I would stop procrastinating and finally make the zine I have wanted to since 10th grade. I wrote an entire plan for the next chapter of The Donas after seeing the show Crazy Horse (I mean it inspired Beyoncé to make a whole album..the least it could get me to do was send an email) and now a year later here we are (thank you!!).
I walked into that magazine shop (the one I fell in love with on my first trip) and told myself “one day” - my secret dream is to have a reason to be in France, to visit often, know more people, know it like I know NYC - be apart of it in some way. to get my zine into that shop (just in case you’re listening universe). To wake up one day and know the language.
***
I am outgoing - even if I don’t know the language
I met so many women in Paris and I remember all of them. How could you not? They all had their own unique. Their mannerisms, how they tucked their hair behind their ear, or took a drag from that cigarette. their zest in whatever moment they were in, even if they were working or drinking off a broken heart.
when the vibe hits different - how can you dismiss it?
Je Ne Sais Quoi - is not a special formula and maybe that’s what makes it so great. It’s so Un-American - you can’t culture vulture it, make it a core, or capitalize on it. No subscription fee, or false promises after 30 days. it’s very clear, it’s all you Bebe.
A curated cocktail of self-care, self-discipline, and showing up for yourself “...like you’re the most important person in the world” - my bartender told me. “If something doesn’t make me feel good, I don’t do it. It’s as simple as that… Are youuuu not gonna like me? I have to like myself.”; my esthetician said with a laugh as she purged the blackheads from my nose.
I’ve learned that je ne sais quoi is much more than a well-curated Instagram feed. or being vague, or mysterious. Or thirsting to be the center of attention. It’s about creating a rhythm.
It’s about walking into a room so subtly that you’re captivating.
It’s about finding YOUR essence. It’s about trusting that you have everything you need inside you to live - as you. And why would want to live as anyone else in the first place?
When you live in your alignment, in your truth, you can’t help but radiate magnetism. Remembering there is only ONE of you is a superpower.
Their allure was rooted in imperfection & idiosyncrasies. And that was magic.
Once you embrace your own essence, and drink your own kool-aide, and you meet the day with the mission to impress yourself - that’s when you unlock a whole new level. That’s when it becomes effortless.
And once you do that, you’re free. Free from the golden cage you locked yourself in.
What’s your je ne sais quoi?
Save it for June 17th (or start now in the comments) - We’re getting together to discuss it amongst ourselves. A Proper Salon.
On my morning croissant walks, I came up with some ideas - so I’m sharing. Let’s discuss what living in our own essence looks & feels like. And help me keep the promise I made to myself in Paris.
I can’t wait to hang out with you on June 17th.
If you’re a paid subscriber, all the details are below & in the chat— thank you for being part of this with me. 👇
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